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the mammogram

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Cannabis Sacrament Minister
Cannabis Sacrament Minister

Joined: 12 Dec 2003
Posts: 3594

PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 10:56 am    Post subject: the mammogram Reply with quote

I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both
the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before
long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man. "So
... what are you here for?"

Talk about a show stopper. Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet"
announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought, "Great
... now he has a name to match the idiot's face." I rushed past
the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy.

Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This
perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head
to one side and crooned, "Allll I need you to do is step into
this room right heeere, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this
gown. Everything clearrrr?" I'm thinking, "Belinda ... try drinking
decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare
the chamber of horrors.

Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It
takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in
less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice
and everything nice ... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled
and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop
back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your
tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish
me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when
we heard, then felt, ZAP! Complete darkness.

"What happened?" I yelled.

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag," Belinda said
as she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me trapped in this thing, are
you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy
... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights
'til the power comes back on. I'll be righttttt backkkk."

Before I could shout, "NO!" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling
from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging polite, "Hi, how's it
going," type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my
utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise
my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh,
yes ... yes we did, thanks." "You bet, take care." Bubba replied
and waved goodbye as though we'd been standing in the line
at the grocery store.

What felt like two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a
sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement,
she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally
forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
the clamps........
Psalms 34:1 - I will bless Jehovah at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
Psalms 16:7 - I will bless Jehovah, who giveth me counsel; even in the nights my reins instruct me
" I pass to you the torch that Christ once passed to me, others are still in the dark an need the light to see"
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Cannabis Sacrament Minister
Cannabis Sacrament Minister

Joined: 20 May 2004
Posts: 280
Location: ex-member

PostPosted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 4:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You can't beat a giggle in the afternoon. Thank you for that one.

peace Smile
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